My trip to Ireland in 2018 was a balm to my soul.

I drove around a lot on little back roads. I took a hot seaweed bath. I cried at Knock Shrine for about an hour and a half and I climbed Knocknarea. I found as many holy wells as I could.

Church never contained me in a safe way, but a holy well did. There's something powerfully feminine about these natural springs and the way people leave their hopes, prayers, and wishes beside the burbling water. I felt the feminine's ability to hold and contain.

earth plus divinity

My entire body shifted after spending some time in proximity to the wells. My menstrual cycle changed completely and it felt like an upward rush from the earth.

When I was away from Ireland and trying to imagine I was there, the vibe was different. There was something else in that good feeling I got, and over time, I realized what it was – it was a specific kind of power. As I struggled to connect to the feminine energy I had felt so honestly from within a different landscape, I found my witch.

It's weird to try and describe a function of my psyche without personifying her, but that's what was so useful to me – the understanding that it was just a function. I understood that the witch functions by sensing a vulnerability in someone else (or in myself, or in a situation), and then exploiting that vulnerability in some way. It could be small, it could be innocent, but that's how she functions.

It could be a physical vulnerability or an emotional one – either way, I don't want to be capitalizing on them. It also protects me from exploiting my own creative self.

It was a revelation. I said THANK YOU, THANK YOU for existing, thank you for being a part of me and for letting me know so clearly when I'm in danger of doing something I don't want to do, or when I'm coming into a relationship at an angle that's wrong.

I made some strong pivots based on that understanding and I don't regret them. I don't need to get rid of my witch. I certainly don't like encountering her in others. But it's a relief to know when she's present because I can make choices.